When in Rome…

But not literally. Have you ever felt that you are just floating through life? That you have made your decisions and now that they are in motion, you are so lost that you just follow the path as far as you can, just to see where it would lead.

So as I say… when in Rome… I am in unknown territory, so I am following suit to my leader, but I feel numb and confused. Floating blindly through this undiscovered territory and behaving like they expect me to, just to secure a position. The same position, somewhere better.

So I may not be in a strange country, where they speak an unknown language and where the beliefs are so different. But I am having to make, when in Rome, adjustments to make it through.

I hope one day I will finally stop floating through blindly, but until the , I guess I fake it ’til I make it lol 😆

Cheers AK

The left behind

What happens when you have no choice but to come forward about emotional abuse and it changes everything. My job has been everything to me for 4 years, other than my children of course. I have been bending over backwards, because I am good at what I do. But I let my customers ruin me, wearing me down into an unrecognizableversion of the very happy person I was. I still.smile everyday, even if inside I feel alone, lost and heartbroken.

I had a break down and now, I came forward about my issues with one of my customers treating me terribly for my entire time here. Now, I don’t think my job loves me as much as i love it. They treat me different. I have gone from Rockstar to burden overnight.

I lined my self up for counseling and during the first session, she got off early and said she would return my call, and forgot about me. I called again and rescheduled with someone else… who called and canceled without rebooking. How am I supposed to get better when people are leaving me behind. I have tried for 3 months to find a counselor, no help even from my doctor. So as I said, I have been left behind.

So I try every day to change it myself, but nothing does. To work I am a burden and whistle-blower and it hurts. I am trying to transfer, which for a pariah like me, I hope that this doesn’t ruin my career, I have worked so hard to get here.

The last three years have been overloaded with the loss of our home to a fire, my best friend passing from doctor neglect, other friends moving away, my 14 year old son dealing with depression, being diagnosed with a neuropathic pain disorder and now live in severe pain all day everyday. And so much more, since I didn’t include the one thing we all went through, covid. I am tired.

I thought I would always have backing from the company, but I get that I am just a nunber. It sucks being treated like one, by everyone. What do I need to do to find my balance, I feel so off kilter and I just want to get back to some kind of stable version of myself.

Cheers AK

I am not saying I am hg

The struggle

I have not been writing lately, not because I have nothing to say, but because I am doing as I always do and I shut down. This includes posting, admitting there is a problem is always the hardest.

So many things going on in life. In-laws are both sick, we are trying to move there, so I have been trying to find work there. I am a writer, I am used to the life of rejection, I am a sales person, rejection is part of the job. But with a timeline that has me as the only hold back is not a small feeling, I have 30 applications out and nothing. Embarrassing.

I have a fantastic resume. Whether or not I live there, I expected more response, it is making me question my skills. This is no ones fault but my own, I have allowed through my life, for my self confidence to decimate into nothingness.

I can feel the dark thoughts creeping in, so I thought today would be a great day to post again. I am struggling that is for sure, feeling off track and now that I see an out, I want this so bad. This town is sucking the life out of me. I might love my job, but I am over all of the stress.

I just hope I can make this happen for my family.

Cheers,

AK

Today I lost the battle…

If you weren’t aware, I was bullied at work by a customer, I broke down… but something changed in me and now I am sitting here crying. A meeting with a different customer having an issue, easy fix.

But I leave and have a panic attack in the parking lot. Yes he was an asshole, but I used to be able to handle them all. What the hell has happened to me? I have been in customer service for 15+ years and I am falling apart over the first confrontation after my break down.

I have lost all my self confidence and ability to look people in their, with fear that they will see the pain in mine. I am sitting in hidden parking lot crying uncontrollably. Can’t go home, the kids are doing their schooling.

I just want this fight to be over, I don’t understand when it got so bad. I have a great life, few issues here and there, losses. But I have this fantastic husband, beautiful and talented children and a beautiful home. Great friends, great parents and in-laws. I am lucky.

Then why can’t I breathe.

Today I may have lost the battle, but I will win this war. Stay strong and love always ❤

Cheers, AK

Lost in thought…

Today, all day, I have been lost in thought. Like I am sleep walking through my life. It’s funny to me because 1 year ago I loved my job, now I dread going. Not because of who I work for but because of the customers. Ridiculous.

Anyways, the big thing here is that I am uprooting my life for a very good reason. I just fear I am the only one who is taking it seriously, me and my husband. We are to move and start over, where we can take care of his parents.

I know I am miserable right now at my job, but I am terrified. What of I don’t find a job I am good at? Honestly, I never think I’m good at anything, but man do I try. So there are things that need to happen, in order for this move. I have a checklist of things to do. Checking in with them and no one has done anything they were supposed to. Frustrating.

It’s hard to imagine doing this, I am looking at this as a positive choice… but when we decided there was so much urgency, and now, it’s like a side note. I just need things to move as seamlessly as possible, so I am starting to feel overwhelmed and it’s only been a week since we decided.

So thats what’s happening. I know we made the right choice, I am just scared.

Stay strong and love always ❤

Cheers AK

Changes are a coming…

I am sitting here, surrounded by my husband’s side of the family. The kids are happy, my husband is loving life and I realize what they want at that moment.

Who am into deprive them of everything they want, especially when I am happy just to be with them. My husband and kids give me everything I need to thrive.

So when the wind picked up, I have to consider it the winds if change. I will give them what makes the happy, with this sacrifice, we will get the fresh start we need and so deserve.

Changes are a coming… they are big ones, they are necessary and they are scary. But when I see them this happy, I know this is where we need to be.

Stay strong and love always

Cheers AK

Been a while…

I know it has been a while. Honestly I am trying to wrap my head around d a few things in life. I have spent my life with the rose colored glasses on and recently I think they have faded.

It has become clear to me that the company I work for might not be everything I thought it was. I honestly thought they would have my back when I brought forward my complaints, but the longer this goes and the odd questions I have been asked lately.. I realized one this… I AM ALONE.

Maybe not in my personal life, don’t get me wrong I have great friends and family to help me through. But I am very sure the company is leaving me hanging. I get it, I am expendable, I have accepted this. I just see them pushing all of the family environment and no tolerance for bullying, but they are not being true to their words.

Yes it has been a while since I blogged, but it has also been a while since I made a meaningful change in life. Could bullying be the push I needed to make a big change??? All of this, I might might ready for a change.

All I can say is, coming forward about bullying in the workplace has definitely been the dream I always thought it would be. 🙄 At times I wish I kept my mouth shut, but most of the time I know, this needs to happen. For me, for the others it happens to and to show my children that it is ok to stand up for one’s own wellbeing.

So the battle continues and I have no view of what the future holds. Not my favorite feeling, but at least I am alive.

Stay safe, stay happy and love always.

Cheers AK

Sticking it out.

So I stuck to my guns today and said I wasn’t able to go back to the store where I had issues. Not sure what this means for the future… not sure I can think about that. I fully realize I can’t avoid the terrible man forever, I just know I am not ready.

So I continue on this mission to better myself, whether or not I know what my careers future is. What I am thinking is that maybe I should take this time and look into a new path. I have only two terms of school left, I have my pilot episode almost done.

Taking the plunge has seemed emotionally harder than I thought it would be. I guess if we are being honest, my next step will be overcoming my cowardess. I have absolutely no self esteem, it’s gone. Not sure when this happened but it did. Just another battle I will win in the end.

I am just starting to feel that maybe coming forward about getting bullied by my customer wasn’t such a good idea. I have never felt so overwhelmed and vulnerable in my life.

Here is to trying to choose a new battle, because this one has come to an end. But for now I guess I am sticking it out!!!

Cheer, AK

Stuck..

I am stuck between my mental health and the company I love. I honestly have always love the company more than myself, until my breakdown. Not sure I want to continue on this path. But I can’t go with out a career. Stuck in the middle.

Cheers AK

Today..

Today I was on the top of my game. I made good sales at the stores and the customers are happy. I am trying to keep this going but I am a bit on edge about what tomorrow holds. I have a meeting tat is out of my element and I am nervous. J love the work i do and I am afraid I love the company more than they love me. But I get it. I am taking deep breathes to get through.

So a bit about my venture tomorrow. Tomorrow I have to have a conversation with HR as to what the future plans are for me. I don’t know how I am supposed to feel, haven’t really been kept in the loop about what is going on.

For those of you that haven’t read my first blogs, I filed a complaint against a customer who had been treating me terrible for years… it has been exactly what I expected it to be, coming forward is never an easy process. I was removed by my bosses from that store, as I get better, as I had a breakdown.

So tomorrow they decide where we go from here. Can they afford to have another person covering that store? Is my illness going to cause issues this way? I have never wanted to do this, I always lived in the shadows, doing my job and sucking up the bad. I have to stand up for myself again and this in not my forte 🙃

So this is a confusing day, but tomorrow I find out how much the company can do to help me get through this. Not even sure what to expect. I want to end this sob story off by telling a funny story about my morning… I think it was fantastic…

Picture this, running on my elliptical, watching “EIGHT BELOW”, I am having this Paul Walker watching month. Anyway, I am running and running, there is a scene where there is a dead, beached whale.. a dog was trying to get food when, out of the darkness of the rib cage comes a huge seal…

I just about fell off of the elliptical after screaming my head off. And I mean LOUD. My son says to me, “mom, I am so glad I decided to watch this with you ” as he laughs. Love it. Still laughing about it.

Laughter is the best medicine, and the only medicine with no limit to its use. Love life .

Cheers!!! AK (Always Kind)