Better late than never…

I am sitting outside of one of my customers, in all honesty I have a ton of difficult customers that quite frankly exhausted me. Because this part of my writing is supposed to steer clear of work, I won’t spend a lot of time on it. But it is part of the reason I am back to writing and this is because one in particular, I let him bring me down. So bad that I had a breakdown.

Thats the short of it. I am searching for who I am to become better and more intune to the world around me. While I was having my break down, there were others out there struggling too. I want them to see my writing and realize it is ok not to be ok, and that they are not alone.

As of right now I have only been working my way through my struggle, but as I come around the corner on feeling better I will make an impact. I want to share the stories of how I got through, my support system and how I went from a puddle on the floor to back in the field after 1 week.

I will be starting to make sure I write everyday, with some positive thoughts on being someone who struggles with anxiety and depression. I know in my heart this is what I was meant to do, I want and need to help others like me, get to the other side of sadness.

I guess it is better late than never to step up and do the right thing.

Cheers, AK

All the Questions for an Anxious Mind…

Have you ever second guessed the big choices you’ve made? What i am going to do this time around is thought I have had go through my mind over the years. The reason for this,  partially selfish,  I want everyone reading to see that they are not alone. Most of the thoughts I have has, I realize have no merit, but they still happen. So I have to sift through the mess to show my mind the things that matter… if that makes sense. Hahaha.

Should I have come forward? Will the people around me understand what I am going through? What if they figure out that I am not worth all of this trouble? What if the word gets around in this small city about coming forward? Will I become a pariah? Will I ever be strong enough to get through this? Why did I do this? Why are you so stupid? What of I fail at everything I am trying to accomplish? What of I always fail? What if I screw my kids up? …

And there is more, these are only a few of the ones off the top of my head. The problem as you can see, I have no confidence. I am a professional, a mother, a wife,  a writer and I don’t have confidence in myself. I can put on a great show, I smile all of the time, because I know I have a good life. But inside I worry about people finally seeing me the way I see myself, just terrible.

I have a great support system, work and personal,  but I always feel I am not worth all of the fuss… hence why I never came forward for 4 years… Everyone has so much faith in me, it is the reason I keep going, I just wish I believed in myself as much as the ones who live meso much.

So thats it, I know it is not healthy to think this way, I talk others out of the feelings, but I just have it rooted deep. Through the years I have tried to stop it and I fail, so I put on a good face and stand tall. People think I am so confident, if they only knew… so there are the questions from this anxious mind. Cheers, AK

Day 9 didn’t happen so here is day 10

My schedule as been so crazy, I have dedicated time to find out more about myself and why I struggle. I am working to better myself with classes and webinars, figuring out how to be this better me.

At work I have also decided to develop through their diversity and inclusion options. It might not be the best time but it is necessary for me to understand everything if I want to make a difference.

I have been feeling closer to my normal self lately, even if day 9 didn’t happen here, it did in the outside world. Day 9 happened, it was busy, losmts of stress, but I prevailed and can feel myself getting stronger.

I also still feel vulnerability, which isn’t something I am used to and it isn’t my favorite. Lol. But I haven’t give myself a lot of options so here I go being vulnerable and strong at the same time.

Together we can make a difference, ready or not it is time. Be thankful and be good to others even if they don’t deserve it. Be the best version of yourself. Love always.

Cheers AK

Day 8

Quite a day today, but I made it through. I work solely through my tablet and today it decided to die fast, making me work longer and longer….

Just in time for a 15 minute dinner with the fam jam to a writing class. Oh wait the night is not over, I have homework and homework help. I am sure that this is normal for most parents, it is a curfuffle.

Topping it off with a flat tire at my kids school as I picked them up today. Thank goodness for my hubby, he is a tire changing machine. So even with all of that, Day 8 did not take me down yet…. nor will it.

I know you are still stuck at the fact that my husband changes my tires, and you are wondering if I know how to change it. The answer is this… yes and no… I do, but I can never get the goddamn tire off, it is as though when I get to it, I lose all of my upper body strength. Not even an ioda of strength…

For instance, have you ever seen that red tube guy, he is filled with air and blows around in the wind? That sums up my strength at that very moment. But at least I didn’t have change it myself in front of everyone, display my infant like strength.

Here is to the positive side of the situation 🍻 cheers AK

I am not a machine..

I skipped a day, not from my routine, but from writing on here, I am not sure I like that i did that. I am not moping today, nor am I feeling too overwhelmed but I am trying to better myself and skipping things in my calendar isn’t part of that… But I was exhausted from my busy day cleaning and all of those fun things in life…

Weird fact about me is that I find a lot of comfort in cleaning, I blast my music and sing until I am done. I enjoy it 😌.   Tomorrow I get to start my second week back after my break down, not feeling any better as far as going back to see that customer. I feel like I am taking two steps a head and three back, when I think about going there I get this feeling in my chest.

When I was young, grade 4 to be exact,  I was bullied to the point that I would wait for my sister to come get me. I feel like maybe I need my sister here again, hold my hand as I go into the store. My worst fear is that my place of work will not be able to keep doing things this way, until I am ready… what if that takes longer than they can afford to wait?

I am trying not to think about that tonight anymore,  I just finished submitting my assignment for one of my classes and my outlines for my other two. I don’t want to worry, but that is what I do, I worry about everything… another thing I am working on. So many flaws… so little time.. lol 

I am not a machine, I am not perfect.

Anyway I have to go and do 20 minutes of meditation 🧘‍♀️,  it too is part of my self improvement plan.  Good night world!

Cheers, AK

High Five to this day…

Thank goodness it is Friday. High five to this day being over, no… the work week. It is my first week back after my breaking down, it was not a bad week. What I fear is that it can’t stay like this forever, not in a negative Woah is Me kind of way, but a, I will have to go back one day, kind of way. To the place I never want to go back to.

With all of that said, I will take it one day at a time. I will breathe and the time for myself. I will rely on my support system and stop holding everything inside.

Well at least I promise you try.

Sorry for the short one tonight, I am super tired.

Cheers AK

Day 4… not what I expected

Today I was told twice that I am TOO nice… I am not sure how that has become such a bad thing. The one thing I am worried about is that if I allow these opinions help shape who I am going to become, who am I?

Too nice… what kind of world is it when that is a thing? I want to be successful and leave my mark on the world,  but I don’t knownif I want to lose my persona for this. I didn’t realize it happened and I don’t know when, but being TOO nice,  isn’t a good thing..

Not what I expected to be told today, by two very different people, obviously I need to reassess if I am made for success.. or maybe it is time to show the world that there is a better way to be. That is the one I am opting for.

Cheers AK

Day Three…

Seems like I am getting back to myself again, slowly but surely. I found myself smiling more today and it feels so good. To feel like this isn’t easy, I have had to make changes to my everyday life to assist in getting better. I never thought I could make so many changes flawlessly and get into routine.

I only watch comedy and listen to encouraging music, that convinces me to get off my ass and make a difference I my life. Now I run every single morning followed by a cold shower (yes that is what I said), meditate after work and make sure to spend quality time with my family.

I can’t wait to be even better than before. I can’t wait to help someone else get through their emotional struggles. Stay strong and love always.

Cheers AK

Day two…

Today was a good day.. even without a vehicle I walked around and did my job, less the business that had bullied me. I have to say I did feel like I could breathe again and that feels great.

Got my truck back so I am in full swing of life again, school started again so I have assignments to do, no rest for the wicked. This break down might have been the best thing for me at this time, I sure needed a break from being mistreated.

So now that I am starting to be me again, I want this blog to be about how anxiety and depression has affected me over my life. I want to do projects to try and solidify my mental state and I want it to enspire others to put them selves first.

So day two…. I made it through unscathed.

Cheers to all AK

First Day Complete

Today was supposed to be my first day back to work, then my truck broke down. Hahahaha. The moment it happened I laughed so hard, it has been a rough couple of weeks, months, etc. $1400 quote for repairs and I didn’t even freak out… this is not a normal thing for me. This kind of stress would break me down, but today, with my new routines, I made it through unscathed.

Thank goodness for payment plans. I hope everyone had as productive, self improvement day, as I did… this is the start of me finding my way back to the stronger version I was before, but new and improved I hope.

I have a work interview about getting mistreated by a customer… it was the final reason that made me have my break.. I am not one that likes this kind of stuff, I would still be dealing with it if didnt come forward about it…. sometimes I wish I could have just touched it out…. anyway, the night is getting away from me and I need to put it to sleep.

Tomorrow WILL be great!!!

Cheers!!! AK