When in Rome…

But not literally. Have you ever felt that you are just floating through life? That you have made your decisions and now that they are in motion, you are so lost that you just follow the path as far as you can, just to see where it would lead.

So as I say… when in Rome… I am in unknown territory, so I am following suit to my leader, but I feel numb and confused. Floating blindly through this undiscovered territory and behaving like they expect me to, just to secure a position. The same position, somewhere better.

So I may not be in a strange country, where they speak an unknown language and where the beliefs are so different. But I am having to make, when in Rome, adjustments to make it through.

I hope one day I will finally stop floating through blindly, but until the , I guess I fake it ’til I make it lol 😆

Cheers AK

The left behind

What happens when you have no choice but to come forward about emotional abuse and it changes everything. My job has been everything to me for 4 years, other than my children of course. I have been bending over backwards, because I am good at what I do. But I let my customers ruin me, wearing me down into an unrecognizableversion of the very happy person I was. I still.smile everyday, even if inside I feel alone, lost and heartbroken.

I had a break down and now, I came forward about my issues with one of my customers treating me terribly for my entire time here. Now, I don’t think my job loves me as much as i love it. They treat me different. I have gone from Rockstar to burden overnight.

I lined my self up for counseling and during the first session, she got off early and said she would return my call, and forgot about me. I called again and rescheduled with someone else… who called and canceled without rebooking. How am I supposed to get better when people are leaving me behind. I have tried for 3 months to find a counselor, no help even from my doctor. So as I said, I have been left behind.

So I try every day to change it myself, but nothing does. To work I am a burden and whistle-blower and it hurts. I am trying to transfer, which for a pariah like me, I hope that this doesn’t ruin my career, I have worked so hard to get here.

The last three years have been overloaded with the loss of our home to a fire, my best friend passing from doctor neglect, other friends moving away, my 14 year old son dealing with depression, being diagnosed with a neuropathic pain disorder and now live in severe pain all day everyday. And so much more, since I didn’t include the one thing we all went through, covid. I am tired.

I thought I would always have backing from the company, but I get that I am just a nunber. It sucks being treated like one, by everyone. What do I need to do to find my balance, I feel so off kilter and I just want to get back to some kind of stable version of myself.

Cheers AK

I am not saying I am hg

Today I lost the battle…

If you weren’t aware, I was bullied at work by a customer, I broke down… but something changed in me and now I am sitting here crying. A meeting with a different customer having an issue, easy fix.

But I leave and have a panic attack in the parking lot. Yes he was an asshole, but I used to be able to handle them all. What the hell has happened to me? I have been in customer service for 15+ years and I am falling apart over the first confrontation after my break down.

I have lost all my self confidence and ability to look people in their, with fear that they will see the pain in mine. I am sitting in hidden parking lot crying uncontrollably. Can’t go home, the kids are doing their schooling.

I just want this fight to be over, I don’t understand when it got so bad. I have a great life, few issues here and there, losses. But I have this fantastic husband, beautiful and talented children and a beautiful home. Great friends, great parents and in-laws. I am lucky.

Then why can’t I breathe.

Today I may have lost the battle, but I will win this war. Stay strong and love always ❤

Cheers, AK

Sticking it out.

So I stuck to my guns today and said I wasn’t able to go back to the store where I had issues. Not sure what this means for the future… not sure I can think about that. I fully realize I can’t avoid the terrible man forever, I just know I am not ready.

So I continue on this mission to better myself, whether or not I know what my careers future is. What I am thinking is that maybe I should take this time and look into a new path. I have only two terms of school left, I have my pilot episode almost done.

Taking the plunge has seemed emotionally harder than I thought it would be. I guess if we are being honest, my next step will be overcoming my cowardess. I have absolutely no self esteem, it’s gone. Not sure when this happened but it did. Just another battle I will win in the end.

I am just starting to feel that maybe coming forward about getting bullied by my customer wasn’t such a good idea. I have never felt so overwhelmed and vulnerable in my life.

Here is to trying to choose a new battle, because this one has come to an end. But for now I guess I am sticking it out!!!

Cheer, AK

Stuck..

I am stuck between my mental health and the company I love. I honestly have always love the company more than myself, until my breakdown. Not sure I want to continue on this path. But I can’t go with out a career. Stuck in the middle.

Cheers AK

Today..

Today I was on the top of my game. I made good sales at the stores and the customers are happy. I am trying to keep this going but I am a bit on edge about what tomorrow holds. I have a meeting tat is out of my element and I am nervous. J love the work i do and I am afraid I love the company more than they love me. But I get it. I am taking deep breathes to get through.

So a bit about my venture tomorrow. Tomorrow I have to have a conversation with HR as to what the future plans are for me. I don’t know how I am supposed to feel, haven’t really been kept in the loop about what is going on.

For those of you that haven’t read my first blogs, I filed a complaint against a customer who had been treating me terrible for years… it has been exactly what I expected it to be, coming forward is never an easy process. I was removed by my bosses from that store, as I get better, as I had a breakdown.

So tomorrow they decide where we go from here. Can they afford to have another person covering that store? Is my illness going to cause issues this way? I have never wanted to do this, I always lived in the shadows, doing my job and sucking up the bad. I have to stand up for myself again and this in not my forte 🙃

So this is a confusing day, but tomorrow I find out how much the company can do to help me get through this. Not even sure what to expect. I want to end this sob story off by telling a funny story about my morning… I think it was fantastic…

Picture this, running on my elliptical, watching “EIGHT BELOW”, I am having this Paul Walker watching month. Anyway, I am running and running, there is a scene where there is a dead, beached whale.. a dog was trying to get food when, out of the darkness of the rib cage comes a huge seal…

I just about fell off of the elliptical after screaming my head off. And I mean LOUD. My son says to me, “mom, I am so glad I decided to watch this with you ” as he laughs. Love it. Still laughing about it.

Laughter is the best medicine, and the only medicine with no limit to its use. Love life .

Cheers!!! AK (Always Kind)

All the Questions for an Anxious Mind…

Have you ever second guessed the big choices you’ve made? What i am going to do this time around is thought I have had go through my mind over the years. The reason for this,  partially selfish,  I want everyone reading to see that they are not alone. Most of the thoughts I have has, I realize have no merit, but they still happen. So I have to sift through the mess to show my mind the things that matter… if that makes sense. Hahaha.

Should I have come forward? Will the people around me understand what I am going through? What if they figure out that I am not worth all of this trouble? What if the word gets around in this small city about coming forward? Will I become a pariah? Will I ever be strong enough to get through this? Why did I do this? Why are you so stupid? What of I fail at everything I am trying to accomplish? What of I always fail? What if I screw my kids up? …

And there is more, these are only a few of the ones off the top of my head. The problem as you can see, I have no confidence. I am a professional, a mother, a wife,  a writer and I don’t have confidence in myself. I can put on a great show, I smile all of the time, because I know I have a good life. But inside I worry about people finally seeing me the way I see myself, just terrible.

I have a great support system, work and personal,  but I always feel I am not worth all of the fuss… hence why I never came forward for 4 years… Everyone has so much faith in me, it is the reason I keep going, I just wish I believed in myself as much as the ones who live meso much.

So thats it, I know it is not healthy to think this way, I talk others out of the feelings, but I just have it rooted deep. Through the years I have tried to stop it and I fail, so I put on a good face and stand tall. People think I am so confident, if they only knew… so there are the questions from this anxious mind. Cheers, AK

Feelings…

I am a professional,  everyday I compose myself for my customers and the people I work for. The hardest part for me has not been about having depression and anxiety,  I feel like no one else needed to know. At work, I had my work face, which is a big smile and I dress nice to help with the illusion. 

Being a professional,  everyday I compose myself for my customers and the people I work for. The hardest part for me has not been about having depression and anxiety,  I feel like no one else needed to know. At work, I had my work face, which is a big smile and I dress nice to help with the illusion. 

But I have been wrong, for 25 years of the struggle, I have been looking at this entire experience incorrectly.  It might not be easy, but the people in your world can know, they NEED to know. There is no way of being happy and making it through without this.

I never even realized the support system I have, until I finally came forward. Talking about my experiences with depression and anxiety makes it even more clear. But, it is easier said than done, I feel now that everyone has seen my most vulnerable side,  I feel overwhelmed. 

I have always valued my privacy, my mystery,  thats why I haven’t been on social media. Amazing how a total break down changes EVERYTHING.  Now I have to learn to deal with the fact everyone knows. I even received a heart warming call from my bosses boss.. ot is just a lot to handle.

To another day of being vulnerable in this terrible place I live, trying to get through unscathed.  I live in a very negative and narcissistic city, it sucks and I can’t wait to sell the house and start over somewhere else.  

Feelings are often a necessary evil!

Love always, love with everything you have.

Cheers, AK

Day 9 didn’t happen so here is day 10

My schedule as been so crazy, I have dedicated time to find out more about myself and why I struggle. I am working to better myself with classes and webinars, figuring out how to be this better me.

At work I have also decided to develop through their diversity and inclusion options. It might not be the best time but it is necessary for me to understand everything if I want to make a difference.

I have been feeling closer to my normal self lately, even if day 9 didn’t happen here, it did in the outside world. Day 9 happened, it was busy, losmts of stress, but I prevailed and can feel myself getting stronger.

I also still feel vulnerability, which isn’t something I am used to and it isn’t my favorite. Lol. But I haven’t give myself a lot of options so here I go being vulnerable and strong at the same time.

Together we can make a difference, ready or not it is time. Be thankful and be good to others even if they don’t deserve it. Be the best version of yourself. Love always.

Cheers AK

Day 8

Quite a day today, but I made it through. I work solely through my tablet and today it decided to die fast, making me work longer and longer….

Just in time for a 15 minute dinner with the fam jam to a writing class. Oh wait the night is not over, I have homework and homework help. I am sure that this is normal for most parents, it is a curfuffle.

Topping it off with a flat tire at my kids school as I picked them up today. Thank goodness for my hubby, he is a tire changing machine. So even with all of that, Day 8 did not take me down yet…. nor will it.

I know you are still stuck at the fact that my husband changes my tires, and you are wondering if I know how to change it. The answer is this… yes and no… I do, but I can never get the goddamn tire off, it is as though when I get to it, I lose all of my upper body strength. Not even an ioda of strength…

For instance, have you ever seen that red tube guy, he is filled with air and blows around in the wind? That sums up my strength at that very moment. But at least I didn’t have change it myself in front of everyone, display my infant like strength.

Here is to the positive side of the situation 🍻 cheers AK